Monday, October 31, 2011

POST #32- Pregnancy & Infant loss 2011

    This year there wasn't anything going on in my town and my family and I weren't able to travel so we decide to just go out and spend the hour of 7:00p.m. to 8:00p.m. which is when your suppose to have the candles light, with Clara. My sister Danelle and My sister Mona both read poems. I decided to tell my Family about a book my sister and I had began reading in which it talks about a little boy who visits heaven during surgery and meet his sister who had been miscarried. Afterwards we ate and sat with Clara and talked more about our beautiful Clara and what her life must be like it heaven. It was a Short but so sweet hour with my baby girl and I know that she was sitting there in that circle with my family and I right where she should be. I know my Clara Elsie is always with me especially in moments like that.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

POST #31- Right Where I Am: 1 year 2months & 2weeks

        My boat is sitting as I look around and notice how my surrounding waters have stilled. Those who pass would have to look hard to see that I've just came out of a storm they couldn’t even imagine and if they look hard enough they might even be able to see a glimpse of it still looming behind me. Others can clearly see the big hole it my boat and wonder how I’m still above water with such a whole that could never be fixed. But, all in all, I’m still afloat. So this would be a perfect time to open up my sail, look forward and sail toward my destination don’t you think? But instead I slowly float not going anywhere in particular. I’m afraid my sail is too torn to be certain of its abilities and well, frankly, though those skies ahead look clear and blue, I remember when I was deceived by them before only to go head on into a storm. A storm I wasn’t sure I would make it out alive. Not to say that I did. Maybe I did die in that storm or at least a big part of me. So for me, my sail stays down and I'll float along. Maybe here and there I'll rebuild but instead of wood this time it will be made of steel. But that hole in the center of my boat can never be mended nothing can repair it. It will always be there. So here I am floating along waiting for the next storm knowing it won’t compare but still not ready to go forward head on.

Monday, May 9, 2011

POST #30- Happy Birthday Clara Elsie

One year ago I would have never guessed where I would be today. If you told me that I was learning to live with the pain and I was making it one day at a time, I would have never believed you. If you would have told me that I would be getting up everyday going to work at a pre-school then going to college then coming home and working on my side job, I would have told you you were crazy. But that’s where I’m at right now and I have no idea how I did it. Yes, everyday is still a struggle and I still find myself crying in the middle of the day out of nowhere. I miss her so much but I continue to move forward.

I remember the first time I laid eyes on my precious little Clara and instantly smiled. I remember how soft she was and oh how beautiful. Rigo and I still argue who she looked like more :)

As her Birthday approached I planned a memorial service for her. I think everyone around me was more worried about how I was going to take it all then I was. Everyone said how surprised they were that I seemed to be holding up so well. My only reasoning seemed to be that the loss of my Clara is something I carry with me every second of the day everyday for as long as I am on this earth. I deal with it constantly I have learned how to not show others when I am hurting, how to stop the tears from falling before they even start.

I invited all my family and friends who loved my Clara. The day had finally came March 29th. I was ...numb...the first part of the day as I prepared for the services. I was running behind to get to the cemetery. My mom and sister and everyone had already left to the cemetery and I was trying to get out the door when it all just hit me. Just then my mom called me. “Marla all Clara's Flowers are gone" I freaked out. I couldn’t even say anything so I just handed the phone to Rigo. I had spent so much time finding new flowers and decorations for Clara's grave for her birthday. I went the day before and put everything out perfectly and now it was all gone. I broke down and laid down on the couch and cried. "What was I thinking?" I told Rigo “I can't do this, it’s too much" My make-up was running, I was late and all my family was waiting on me but I couldn’t move. I felt like everything just came crashing down on me but then I stopped and reminded myself why I was doing all this in the first place. I cleaned up face and wiped my tears just in time to receive a call from my sister telling me that she had my Clara's stuff. There had been another funeral so the workers had put her stuff in a box for me. I drove out to the Cemetery and as I approached I seen all the cars parked waiting for me. All I could think is HOW WONDERFUL IS MY FAMILY!!! I am so thankful for all of them who have been there for me. Without them I would have never made it this far. That was the reminder I need to push forward through this day. I pulled up and quickly got set up. As everyone gathered around I started the service by saying this:

'I first want to thank everyone for coming. It’s hard to think that it’s been a full year since Clara went to heaven shortly before she was born. Not too long ago while visiting Clara, It hit me how close this day was and how much I wasn’t ready for it. I was overwhelmed with sadness and fear. But then I started thinking Over this past year, I’ve struggled with realizing that even though I miss her and wish I could have kept her, I shouldn’t just mourn my daughter, but celebrate her as well. So that is what we are doing here today, celebrating the short life of Clara Elsie.'

Of course I couldn’t get through it without crying. But I got through it just the same. To my surprise my sister then walked up to me and gave me a gift. It was a baby laying in angel wings the read ' Heavenly angels, sent from above keep you from harm, wrap you in love.' I had been wanting something like this for some time so it really meant a lot.

My Sister Danelle then read a story about butterflies which was followed by a butterfly release. Afterwards I played a memorial video of my Clara's story. We then closed with a balloon release. It truly was beautiful. I was so pleased with the outcome of her service, to celebrate my Clara Elsie.

The service was followed by dinner at my house where everyone was welcomed. I visited with everyone and thanked them all for coming but as her birth time started to approach I took a moment to myself in my room and watched as the clock turned 6:29p.m. I closed my eyes and pictured my beautiful Clara and imagined the weight of her in my arms. I know she was there with me in that moment so instead of tears I couldn’t help but smile. It was so bitter sweet.

Later that night, just as we did the night after her funeral, My mom, dad, sister Mona, her husband, my sister Danelle, my brother Boo, my nephews Isaac, Jacob, and Cameron, Rigo and I, went to the cemetery, sat with Clara Elsie and had birthday cake with her. A tradition we decided to have last year as we did the same. Everyone ate a slice of cake and we even left a piece for her as well. My family headed home leaving only Rigo and I. We lit two small pink Candles for her. (I even sang happy birthday to her) we sat with her for sometime just talking and remember the short 9months we had her, well in my belly anyways.

   The day started off hard but ended perfectly. But I still would give anything to be able to have kept her, To instead been putting her down to sleep after a long day of celebrating her birthday with cake, presents, laughs and memories that are worth a thousand words. To have cleaned her up after she made a mess with her own little birthday cake and watched her as she was more interested in the wrapping paper instead of the actual gifts everyone would have brought. To hear from everyone how big she was getting. I can’t help but think that that is how it should have been. That is what I had imagined, that is what I couldn’t wait for. Instead She's in heaven so until I can be with her again. I will simply continue on carrying her memory and Celebrating her little life and remember how blessed I was to even get the opportunity to carry that little girl for the 9 months that I did.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

POST #29- Snow Trip

   Every year my family and I take a trip to the snow. It’s about 2 hours away. We always look forward to it all year. My sister Danelle and I, last year, talked about how Clara was going to be with us this year. We would joke back and forth with each other. “Clara’s not gonna like the snow, Watch, and you're gonna be stuck sitting in the car with her the whole time." Danelle would tell me. "No" I would replay “You’re wrong! She’s gonna love it. Imma wrap her up so much she isn’t even gonna be able to move." Then Rigo would come in telling me " After she's all wrapped up, Imma lay her on the snow and take pictures and if she doesn’t like it we will just do it fast before she gets too cold." We would all laugh. I even was going to buy her a Pack n' Play so she could sleep in it on our vacation. I was really looking forward to it no matter how much she liked or didn’t like the snow.

This year was like any other. As we drove up out of the Valley all the familiar scenes of the mountains and roads reminded me of how much it was the same as last time. This only lead my mind to wonder, as it often does, of how it was supposed to be different. The first image I got in my head was a Carrier in the backseat and baby blankets next to it. That is how it was supposed to be. Not like this. So like many times before I cried. And cried. I didn't think I was going to be able to stop. Rigo kept asking me what was wrong. I couldn’t stop long enough to tell him. I finally got out "It isn’t supposed to be like this. It wouldn’t be like this...If Clara was here." After that I just kept talking, well in between all my sobs anyways. This lasted for about an hour. Finally we stop at a store that was about 10mins away from where we stay. I pulled myself together and put my dark sunglasses on and went inside as if nothing happened, something that I've became quite good at.

Rigo and I walked up and down the aisles as I pretend to be there, though my thoughts were still elsewhere. We came down one isle that had all the Easter stuff. Rigo grabbed my attention by showing me a small Easter duck and told me let’s get it for Clara. I then thought about the Easter baskets which lead to me remembering that that was the first holiday that I decorated Clara's resting place for. That’s when it hit me. Wow it’s almost been a full year. It so unbelievable how fast time has passed.

The rest of the trip was easier on me. I did still think of her through it all but I did manage to enjoy myself and have a good time. Here are a few pictures of our trip:

Thursday, January 20, 2011

POST #28- Clara's Headstone

         I have been waiting so long for Clara's head stone to come in. The other night as Rigo and I were driving home we decided to stop by the cemetery to visit Clara Elsie. We got Close and Rigo and I realized her headstone had been put in! Rigo hadn't even stopped the car yet and I already jumped out. Lol I ran over to her and dropped to my knees. It’s beautiful and perfect just like her. I ran my hand over it and without even noticing I had begun to cry. By now Rigo was by my side. Even though it was almost 2a.m. I texted my family to let them all know it was in. I can't remember the last time I was this excited about anything. It felt good to feel that way again. When it comes to being a mother there are many things to get excited about. First word, steps and birthdays. I don't know what that is like but I got to be excited about this and it was overwhelmingly amazing to smile and not be able to stop. The last time I felt this way was when I was having my first ultrasound and they were telling me that I was having a girl. I couldn’t be happier about how it came out. My mom immediately drove out and met with us to see it. The next day the rest of my family went out and seen it as well.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

POST #27- Saying Goodbye to 2010

2010, Wow what a year this has been. Most would think I would be glad to see it go. All the suffering and pain I've gone through but it's quite the opposite. Though this year has been harder then I could ever describe, it's still the year I had my first born, my daughter Clara Elsie and I hate time passing by forcing me to go just one more day without her. Time seems to be flying by. It's insane when I look back on the last 8+months and see all that I've been through not just with dealing with the lost of Clara but other personal issues. Like they say When it rains, it pours so all I can do at this point is take one day at a time.
     My sister, brother, nephew, husband and I all went out to the cemetry to spend our last few minutes of 2010 with Clara.

Thursday, December 30, 2010

POST- #26 Christmas

        Everyone kept talking about how it just didn't feel like Christmas this year. Everything was just off. During Christmas time my moms house is always all did out with decorations. This year all we did was put up a tree. No other decorations. We didn't even end up hanging the stockings. Rigo was out of town for work the whole week. We ended up opening gifts Christmas eve morning, when we always open on Christmas morning. Then we went to my Aunts for Christmas lunch on Christmas eve instead of Christmas day. I Don't think we have ever not went on the actually Christmas day. Anyways, like I said, everything was just completely off. I have to admit though it made things just a little easier. This was suppose to be Clara's first Christmas and She wasn't here. So I think that's why everything was different this year cause we where missin' my sweet Clara.
            Rigo and I  decorated Clara's grave with red and gold flowers and we put a little Christmas tree that we decorated with little ornamentts.


   At Home, next to our regular tree, we put up a small pink tree just for Clara. I looked everywhere for a good topper but couldn't find one. Nothing seemed to be good enough. So my mom told me what would be the perfect topper which was the one we use every year on our tree. Its a porcelain angel that my grandma Clara left for my mom after she passed. its always been a big deal who puts the topper on the tree for as long as I can remember. My brothers, sisters, and I would take turns every year putting it on. So it only seemed right to let Cameron put the topper on Clara's tree.

Some of my family added ornaments to her tree and a few friends dedicated an ornament to Clara on there own tree. 

From my mom

From Rigo & I


From my sister Mona

From my sister Danelle


From the funeral home

From a friend Danielle

From friends Ashley & Moises

From my cousin Amy

Thank all of you  for thinking of my Clara Elsie this Christmas. It meant a lot to me.